Tuesday, April 1, 2014

The Friendship Factor

This is my first attempt at "putting myself out there" so to speak in regards to relationships.  I usually don't talk much about the happenings of what goes on in my social life so here goes...

I'm a marriage magnet.  Interesting because I've never been married. And I've never been "officially" asked either.  But still, I'm a marriage magnet.  (I'm crackin up as I'm writing this!) The reason why I'm a marriage magnet is because the last few guys that I've recently dated or went out with are all either (now) married or engaged to be married.  Yup.  My last count is 4, I think. In the past year alone.  

Back in my early 20's or so, I remember telling one of my Aunts that I didn't want to get married.  She was appalled! It didn't bother me one bit actually.  And now that I'm in my early 40's, i still feel the [almost] same way, but for different reasons.  Now, I'm still on the fence about marriage because I haven't met that one man that made me go crazy like that. No one who i feel like i could do the "Until death do us part" dance with.  Ok let me say right here that I'm not a picky person and my expectations are not high.  In fact, now that i think about it, they might be too low.  And judging from the bunch of liars and cheaters that I've dated, i'm going to say that yeah, my standards are too low. Anyways, where was I? On the fence about marriage at 41 years old.  I am.  I admit it.  No shame to my game.  Do i believe in love? Of course! I just haven't found love with the right man...yet. Or maybe i have? My lips are sealed!

So that got me to thinking about MY role in the Friendship Factor.  People who are close to me knows that I'm not much of a relationship type of girl.  Relationships are way too stressful for me.  Sometimes i just don't have it in me to deal with ups and downs of relationships.  I don't have to answer to anyone, and no one has to answer to me.  And most importantly, I don't have to be bothered with a man if i don't want to be! I've had this mindset since my late 20's/early 30's and it's worked out pretty well for me.  There were a few times when I went against my beliefs and let myself get into a relationship.  It blew up in my face every time.  There were babies on the side, other women/girls on the side, abuse, and a whole lot of lying! By the way, I can't stand liars.  I really can't.  I don't see the need to lie about stuff.  Especially at my/our age.  Seriously, at what point in your life will you realize that lying gets you absolutely no where? I always tell guys that I meet/date that I'll deal with the situation a little better if I hear the truth from his mouth.  If i hear things out in the streets, they'll have to deal with Bessie, not Kavon.  And those are 2 different people! ...I'm still crackin up.  

Ok, so it's safe to assume that I don't do relationships because I don't have the patience to tolerate the nonsense that comes with them.  So how does the Friendship Factor fit into all of this? Well, problem #1 is that I (unintentionally) designate myself to be the friend because I rarely ever want a serious relationship.  I mostly deal with guys who don't live in the area and it's hard to have a serious relationship when it's long distance.  Long distance "relationships" is not a preference.  It's just how things work out.  Truth be told, the real reason why i don't go out with guys in the area is because i have three immediate families (Wrights, Smiths, & Stewarts) and mostly everybody in this area are my cousins lol.  

Problem #2 is that my "caring" side always gets the best of me.  Yeah, I'm the one who guys can call and talk about their issues with other women.  Shouldn't be an issue, right? After all, i am JUST the friend.  And Problem #3 is my go to statement of "You ain't my man, and I ain't your woman. You don't have to answer to me, and I don't have to answer to you."  ...SMH

So now that I've likened myself to Biz Markie and painted myself into the "Just a Friend" box, I'm having different thoughts about it.  I realize that in the past year, I've talked 3 exes into marriage or the thought of marriage, and it wasn't with me lol! And the other one, well that woman can have him.  And yeah, I'm feeling some kinda way about this right here.  But I can only hold myself accountable for the situation(s).  After much self-reflection, I now have a new outlook on relationships and my approach towards them.  Listen up fellas because I'm talking to you all.  #1. I don't give a flying F*CK about what your ex girlfriend said or did, or didn't say or didn't do.  Don't call me with that chitter chatter wanting to bump your gums about how you want to be with a chick who, clearly, doesn't want to be with you.  Steve Harvey once said that men are natural hunters.  Conversely, women are nurturers.  Men hunt their prey, even when the prey is running full speed ahead away from them.  Their goal is to catch it, and make it theirs even though the prey is running away from them. Does that make sense?  #2. It's like that old Road Runner and Wile E. Coyote situation.  Urban myth has it that the coyote actually did catch the Road Runner.  And when he got him, he didn't know what to do with him. So he let him go.  Guys spend a lot of time chasing women.  They will do a lot to woo you and get you to become interested in them.  And when you do, they don't know what to do with you, and then all of a sudden he's gone.  Been there, done that! I refuse to be anyone's Road Runner any more.  If you're not interested in the outcome, then don't go through the motions. #3. If you have a woman, lady friend, girlfriend, or whatever you call her, do not step to me.  The other day, someone asked me why don't women ask men if they have a woman or not when they first meet?  My answer was simple.  It's because women are naive enough to think that if a man is trying to holler at her, he must not have a woman in his life.  Else why would he try to start something up with another female when he has one at home? Common sense, right?  Well men aren't common creatures.  So right here and right now guys, do me a favor and save my breath.  The breath that i'll be using to ask if you have a significant other in your life when you approach me.  If you do, keep on walking, 'cause i ain't talking. Point, blank, and the period! (in my Tamar voice).

And yes, it appears that I'm changing my mindset as i progress through writing this.  I'm a woman and I can do as i please! ;-) *crackin up again*  But on the real, I had a chance to talk to a good friend of mine who came into town this past weekend.  We've been friends for nearly 20 years so we talk about anything with each other.  Our conversation lead us to both discover that we are marriage magnets.  It's happened to him too.  A few times.  Neither one of us could figure out why until we had this particular conversation.  It's the label that we put on ourselves that did us in.  So from now on, and my cousin J will be happy to hear this, i'm no longer putting the "Friend" label on myself.  Am I opening myself up for the possibility of a relationship? God only knows what he has in store for me.  But in the meantime, I'm chillin. 

Until next time,