Thursday, August 28, 2014

Keeping Secrets

A couple weekends ago, I was channel surfing trying to find something to watch.  I have to admit that summer TV programming is the pits.  I ended up watching an episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians.  Yeah...the programming was THAT bad.  On this particular episode, Khloe was going through marital issues with her husband Lamar Odem.  She was talking about how he was giving interviews and speaking with various news outlets about how "well" their relationships was going and saying that he had hoped they would be able to work out their differences.  Meanwhile, Khloe was telling her sisters that she hadn't heard from her husband in months.  She went on to say that there were so many times where she lied to cover up things that he had said or did that damaged their relationships.  About how she lied to her family and friends about giving away her tickets to see Beyonce on her birthday and telling everyone how wonderful her birthday was with her husband.  She mentioned that there were so many times in her marriage where she lied to her family and friends to cover up her husband's behaviors and actions.

So that got me to thinking about how many times I've lied to people to cover up a partner's let down, aggressiveness, abuse, or whatever.  As I sat there thinking about it, I realized that I've done that A LOT.  I remember as far back as middle or high school and a situation arose where I felt like I had to lie about something someone did or didn't do to me.  In the past, I've hidden the fact that I was stood up for dates (lol), cheated on, lied to, lied on, and so on.  Most of the people who I talked to said that they had lied to cover up abuse in a relationship.  I've done the same.  It wasn't physical abuse, but it was emotional abuse.  And I can tell you this right here...emotional and verbal abuse creates the same amount of hurt and wounds than physical abuse does.  Sometimes I think that it might be worse.  A bruise will heal.  A put down will be with you for the rest of your life.

As I'm writing this, I'm thinking that there are other ways of keeping secrets in relationships.  Dating is hard enough these days.  Imagine dating at 40+ and pickings are slim.  Most guys that I or my friends meet are just as bad as having a 20-something around.  The lies are just as grand, the net worth is just as low, and the assertiveness to succeed is in the toilet.  At least with a 20-something year old, you know what to expect from them.  Nothing.  It becomes a problem when 40+ year old men are in the same financial situation as a man who's 20 years younger than them.  And God forbid they ask you about yourself or your background and you actually tell them.  For instance, if you tell them that you own your own home and car, or have a college education, they immediately categorize you as being "independent".  Of course, we're independent.  Who else to we have to rely on other than ourselves?? We can't rely on 40+ year old single men because they can't even rely on themselves.  I once dated a man, and I use that term VERY loosely, who lived in his father's house, drove around in his deceased grandmother's car, and slept in a hand me down bedroom set.  And had the nerve to try to make me feel bad because I was afforded the opportunity to attend college (he was afforded this opportunity also, but didn't take advantage of the opportunity. Yeah he flunked out).  He had come from a similar background as I did.  Both parents, middle-class family, etc.  The difference between him and me was that I appreciated the opportunities that I was given.  I took constructive criticism and applied it to my life plan.  I didn't blame other people for the mistakes that I made.  And I damn sure didn't try to make anyone feel bad for being successful in life.  But every time something good happened in my life, he did everything in his power to try to make me feel bad about good things.

I say all this to ask this question...  How many of you have deliberately not mentioned something significant in your life to a potential mate for fear of "scaring them off"? Do you consider this outright lying or is it lying by omission? Would you feel offended if/when you found out the "truth" about the other person? I'm sure it happens more than people realize it does.  I admit that I do it often. If somebody considers me to be a liar, then so be it lol.  But the reality in life is this: there are A LOT of men out there who are intimidated by a somewhat successful woman.  There are a lot of men who might feel like they don't have much to offer a woman who already has a house, car, job, education, etc.  Yes, I am aware that there are a lot of men out there who ARE comfortable with women like this, it's just that i haven't met very many of them.

What are your thoughts? I would like to have feedback on this subject because for some odd reason, I'm feeling like this subject is going to come up again ;-)

Please leave comments below... Thank You!

Thursday, August 7, 2014

When to say "I don't"

The other day I had to let someone down "easy". I was talking to an old boyfriend and he asked me if I ever still thought about him? I told him hell no, I don't think about him.  What's there for me to think about? How he just bought a new house with all brand new furniture that's he's probably going to move his girlfriend into? Or how she get the "benefits" of being the woman in his life and not the side chick.  I went to say that I'm a good woman, a good mother, I'm educated, I own my own home and business, and pay my own bills. Yeah...basically I'm an ADULT.  But back to what I was saying.  And because I'm ALL of the above, he has some nerve even coming at me like that.  The nerve of some men! To think that I'm putting myself out there like that to be ANYBODY'S side woman, sex partner, or whatever men are looking for these days.  How dare he insult me like that??  The conversation ended with him saying, Let me call you right back. ...I never heard from him LOL I have to be honest and admit that I did think of him every once in a while, but he'll never know that! But I also had to tell him the real truth of the situation.  

There is another guy I went out with this year who kind of falls into the same category.  He lives in another state and comes in the area from time to time to see his family.  He was in town a few months ago and we went out.  After he returned home, I noticed that, although he did a lot of talking of "us" while he was HERE, he never said much about "us" while he was THERE.  For example, he never invited me to visit.  He never even talked about me visiting.  And then he said those words..."Let's just see how things go".  I'm not stupid.  I know exactly what those words mean when they come from a man.  Needless to say, I never once tried to contact him again, nor did I accept any of his calls, texts, emails.

Now it may seem that I'm quick to kick a dude to the curb.  Actually, I'm not.  But what I am quick to do is see right through bullshit lines that most men spew.  It's a gift lol  Another incident happened at Sheetz last week.  There were a group of men down there in what looked like fireman uniforms.  So i asked them were they firemen? Turns out they work in Marcellus shale industry and were in town on a job.  So he asks me, what i was doing later that evening? Long story short, we ended up talking for a while.  So I asked him if he was involved with anyone.  Ladies it's important to remember to ask a man if there's anyone else in his life.  This way you know from the rip what his intentions are.  So his answer was...and make sure you're sitting down for this...I'm not seeing anyone but I live with my kids' mother. WTF?? I walked away and left him standing there LOL  Like for real...who does he think that's going to go over on? 

I was telling a friend of mine and she said to me, Apparently, these guys don't know who you are! And then I realized that she was 100% correct! So my question for all you men who's intentions were/is/are to take me as a joke is, "DO YOU KNOW WHO THE HELL I AM??" As a matter of fact, there are a lot of men who don't know who the hell a lot of women are.  If they did, they wouldn't act like 40+ year old babies.  And yes, there are a lot of women who are just as guilty as men are in this situation, but I'm not talking about them right now lol.  I could write an entire series on women, and i might get around to it one, but right now we're talking about the guys. I will say this though, there are a lot of really great guys out there and sometimes they fly over our radar.  Shoot us, ok? Things happen sometimes lol.

So when do we learn to say "I don't", instead of "I do"?  This is not in a matrimonial type of question, but a relationship question.  There comes a time in life when a person just has to say I don't.  I don't like a certain situation.  I don't like how this person is making me feel.  I don't like where this relationship is heading.  Yadda yadda yadda.  It's ok to say "I don't" to  situation in your life.  Instead of staying in a situation where you're unhappy or being used or abused, it's ok to chuck up those deuces and handle your business.  I'm a true believer that God didn't put on this planet to be miserable in relationships. He put us on this planet to be loved. And if being loved means that you have to say "I don't" to some things, then by all means, go for it! Just be sure to say "I do" when the time is right ;-)