Monday, February 27, 2017

Mixed messages

Let's talk about mixed messages...

The past couple of weeks I've been drawing a blank on what to write about.  So I did what I always do when I get a mild case of writers' block.  I talked to some friends of mine.  I was talking with one of them and we got on the topic of mixed messages and how/why do men send them?


Her situation is typical.  Sad, but true.  Really sad...especially at our age.  But it really seems like the older men get, the more immature they can become. Her story is that she met a man and in the beginning, he really pursued her and paid lots of attention to her.  She held out for several weeks because she just wasn't so sure about him.  But he was different, she says.  He was different from the other men that she had dated in the past.  He was mature and was a devoted father to his child.  He had a good professional job and had a very bright future ahead of him.  On paper, he was a definite catch.  Her apprehension was that...well she didn't really have any apprehensions.  For the first time ever, she didn't have any apprehensions about a man.  (I kind of found that hard to believe, but hey, i'll go with it)


So after months of spending time together (in a public place), he finally "got up the courage" (his words, not hers) to tell her how he really felt about her.  And still, she didn't rush into anything.  She said that she wanted to take it slow with him because she knew in her heart that he could be someone very special to her at some point in the future.  Now I know my friend well, and I'll be the first person to tell you this isn't like her.  In 25+ years that I've known her, I've never known her to be digging a man like that.


So she had met a good man that she actually liked.  And after a few weeks, she finally told him that she had feelings for him too.  Now here's where things get tricky.  After she shared her feelings with him, it only took about 2-3 weeks for him to stop giving her any attention, stop asking her out, and to stop attempting to spend any time with him at either of their homes.  Of course I asked her if she slept with him?  She told me that she hadn't slept with him, let alone even kissed him.  So then I asked what did she do to him? lol  She laughed and told me that she didn't do anything to him that would make him just up and change his intentions so quickly.  And since I've known her for so long, I'm inclined to believe her.


After our conversation, I started thinking about her situation and wondered what would make a man just flip flop like that? Why do some men (a lot of them) pursue women and then when the woman finally reciprocates feelings back, the man suddenly gets cold feet?  I call it the "Road Runner Effect".  I have a name for it because, obviously I've been in this same situation before.  The Road Runner Effect is when a man or woman is being vigorously pursued by another man or woman and when that person decides to reciprocate mutual feelings, the pursuer bails suddenly.  I call this the Road Runner Effect because Wyle E. Coyote spend years chasing down the Road Runner on the Looney Tunes cartoons.   Legend has it that he actually did catch the Road Runner, but let him go because he didn't know what do with him. I don't know how true this is because I've never seen that episode, so we'll call it an  urban myth, just like Carrie Bradshaw's mary jane Manolo Blahnik shoes. But I remember the time that happened to me (lol) In my mind, I had every reason under the sun to NOT deal with this man in any way.  But after some prodding from my friends, because they felt that I always chose the wrong man, I accepted the challenge and said to myself "Ok I'll try this".  Big mistake! All that I can say about this situation is that I'm glad that I wasn't emotionally invested in this man in any form or fashion.  And I'm glad that I saw his true colors BEFORE I was emotionally or physically invested in that man. And unfortunately, I've been on the other side of this situation. I didn't really pursue the man, so to speak.  But I was interested in him for a long time and when I finally did have the opportunity to date him, I was completely uninterested in him. He didn't do anything wrong.  He just didn't have that spark to keep my interest.  


And although, I've been on both sides, I still can't fathom why men go so hard at women, then fall flat for no particular reason.  I can recall that I didn't go hard at this man.  He actually approached me first, but he knew that I had some interest in him.  Even still, I and countless other women on this planet will probably never know what makes a man send mixed messages like this?  I wish I had the exact answer, but we all know that when dealing with humans, nothing is ever black and white.  There's always a gray area where far too many people my age care to reside.  But at what point does a person move from that gray area and into the black and white?  Because I've been on both sides of this baffling relationship fence, I can honestly say that the only time a person can move out of the gray area is when they've finally grown up and is ready for a real relationship with future intentions.  

...I'm out of the gray area now.

Saturday, February 4, 2017

5 Dates Challenge Update

A few months ago, I wrote a blog post and asked everyone to take the 5 Dates Challenge.  This is where you (a woman) challenged yourself to step out of your comfort zone and go on 5 dates in 2 months.  This challenge was an effort to help women do something different while dating.  They were told to ask the man out first, or go out with a man who's different from the other men they went out with.  The challenge was basically a way for women to stop doing what they normally do while dating because, obviously, it's not working for them.

A few women did communicate their experiences with the challenge to me. One told me that she had a very difficult time even finding one date.  Another told me that she went on a couple of dates with a man and after the 2nd date, all he wanted to do was talk about sex.  And he neglected to mention that he had a pregnant girlfriend or EX girlfriend as he says. One said that she wanted to try dating white men, but was afraid.  And another told me that she was just afraid to come out of comfort zone for fear of rejection. I told her that the purpose of my date challenge was to eliminate the comfort zone and to push yourself in the chaotic world of dating in your 40's.

So let's talk about my dates.  I went on 5 dates and they were interesting to say the least.  My first date was with a guy that i dated a few years ago. Yes, I know that the whole point of this challenge was to challenge your comfort zone as far as dating and thinking outside the box.  But I really hadn't gone a date with a man in a few months, so I needed a warm up date lol. We met at Cheesecake Factory on the Southside and the whole time we were there, it was just like old times.  Us trying to figure out which one of us was the reason why the relationship never came into fruition.  On paper, he's a great guy.  Smart, funny, educated, owns his own business, and a good father.  But somehow we just couldn't get it together.  We just always seem to bump heads on petty stuff.  Which is why I call him Petty Wap and he calls me Petty LaBelle LOL I actually went on 2 dates with him.  I guess I couldn't get enough of his petty O_o

My second date was a blind date.  A good friend of mine and her husband thought that the two of us should meet. He's tall, hard working, raised his daughter as a single dad, and has the most beautiful hazel eyes. So back to the Cheesecake Factory on the Southside I went. Now let me say that a blind date is totally out of my comfort zone, but I had seen a pic of him and talked to him on the phone a couple times before we actually met, so it wasn't completely a blind date.  But nevertheless, I'll classify it as a blind date.  When I got there, I was a few minutes early so I did what any other person would do...start texting people lol.  He finally showed up (on time) with flowers in hand for me.  MAJOR cool points he got for that because I love flowers.  So the date was typical for people who don't know each other. We talked about our kids, our jobs, our friend, our likes and dislikes.  The date was going really well and then I remembered that it was going to take me about an hour to get home and Empire was coming on that night lol. All good though because I had already set my DVR to record the show.  Then he offered for me to go back to his place to watch Empire. His place was about 25 minutes in the opposite direction from where I live.  I politely declined, because I could see where this was heading, and told him that I needed to get back home to my child.  He walked me back to my car and insisted that we see each other again. So for a couple weeks after that, we talked and texted daily.  Then one day there was no contact.  No biggie in my book.  The next day no contact,..and one day turns into 2 days, then 3 days, and so on.  I had forgot about him until someone asked me about my blind date.  ...I guess he didn't make THAT much of an impression on me after all :-/

My third date was with another ex acquaintance from college.  He contacted me out of the clear blue. He must have been reading my posts on FB at the time.  It had been about 20+ years since I'd seen him so it was good to just catch up.  He was in the area on business so we decided to meet...in the Southside Flats smh.  I'm noticing a pattern here LOL. We did the usual, dinner and a night club and hung out with some ex NFL player friends of his. We walked around a little and even saw a fight in the middle of the street lol  Typical Saturday night happenings in the Southside section in case you didn't know.  So back to the date... being with him was kind of like being in college again.  Just having fun and reminiscing on how things were when we were in college.  And as the conversation progressed, I asked him when did he get divorced (because I knew that he had been married). He told me that he was still married. And that's when he hit me with the typical "married man who wants to cheat on his wife" response, "It's complicated and I'm with her because of our child" O_o   I went home and never took a call from him again and never responded to any of his text messages again.

And for the life of me, I can not remember my 4th date.  I'm looking through my calendar right now and I didn't even write that date down.  If I remember where I went and who I went with, I'll update this.  SMH He didn't make any kind of impression on me where I could even remember his name and where I went with him...that's sad.

My fifth and final date was with a man that I've known for a while but never had much contact with.  He actually asked me out after seeing one of my posts about the 5 date challenge, but it was probably about a month or so before we could actually get together.  So we went on a belated birthday dinner to one of my favorite restaurants and no, it wasn't Cheesecake Factory.  This guy was right away different from the others.  For one, I didn't have to meet him anywhere.  He picked me up at my door and drove me to where we were going. Again, there was good conversation, but he actually asked me questions about me, not just general, typical questions.  And as the conversation progressed, I quickly realized how intelligent this man was.  So, to know him, I would have never thought that he was that intelligent, funny, and most importantly, mature. He's a couple years younger than me, so maturity was a concern of mine,  But since this was a challenge to do something differently as far as dating, I was open to going out with a younger man.  He definitely kept my attention, so much that I still keep in contact with him.  And have gone out with him a couple more times since our first date and we keep in contact daily. So why not just kick it with him on a regular? This situation is interesting because 1. he doesn't live in the area, and 2. there's a situation at the moment that could prevent us from moving forward with each other. (To be discussed in a later post)

All in all, I can seriously say that I'm satisfied with my 5 Dates Challenge results.  I did what the challenge was intended to do.  It encouraged me to think outside the dating box and try things that I never would have done conventionally.  I enjoyed my 5 dates because every one of those men were totally different from the other and each made a [somewhat] different impression on me.  I realized that some men don't change and want to have their cake and eat it too. I learned that a man who's about 50 years old and divorced still has a one track mind when it comes to spending time with a woman.  I also learned that people notice you when you don't even realize that they were in your company.  One of my dates reminded me of what I was wearing when I saw him at a party about a year ago.  Cool points for that one.

So after 5 dates, 4 of them fell flat and 1 was somewhat successful.  That's a 20% success rate lol  But if I had to do it this challenge again, I definitely would!

Friday, February 3, 2017

Why it sucks to be single

Ok so we all know that it sucks to be single for most people.  It sucks being single for, i would say, the obvious reasons.  Those reasons include, but aren't limited to, companionship, friendship, and intimacy.
Since I've been single for my entire life, I have first hand knowledge as to why it really is a pain in the behind to be a single woman.  Here are some of my reasons...let's call them #alternativefacts.

Your cousins and sisters are always your wedding dates.

It's bad enough that I go to weddings of my former students and players, but even worse that I don't have anyone to bring as my date.  I typically go to weddings and social events with my cousins and sisters, so I'm not usually the odd person out who's sitting in the corner by herself.  But what's even worse is that when the bride and groom comes around to each table to greet their guests, they always say to me "Hang in there, you'll find someone soon".  Yeah, i'm old enough to be your mother so who the heck do you think you're giving advice to?? I have to LOL at this at I'm writing it.

You call your best friend to help find out what's wrong with your car and you end up having to get a whole new car...

So I've known for a some time now that my car had a slight issue, but I was ok with handling it like i was for the time being.  But I just couldn't leave well enough alone the other day.  So i called my best friend and asked him if he could find out why the antifreeze was leaking out of my car? After a day of going back and forth about what was wrong with my car and supposedly fixing it, my car now has a full tank of antifreeze, but no heat.  And of course, he denies that he's the cause of my car not having any heat.  I mean why would I think that he's the reason that my car has no heat since he was the one who "fixed" it? Needless to say, I'm car shopping as we speak.

You can't rely on people when they say that they'll come fix something for you...

This one can include a plethora of things, but for the sake of this post, let's say it's getting people to come fix stuff in your house.  Home ownership is considered to be a part of the American dream.  And being a single woman who owns a home, is a wonderful thing, but not so fun at the same time.  For example, when something breaks, who's there to help you fix it? About 5 years ago, I bought a new fridge.  The kind with the water and ice that comes out of it.  I bought that fridge just so that i COULD get water and ice from it.  Someone near and dear to me said that they would hook up the water kit for me.  That was FIVE years ago.  FIVE years.  You see where I'm going with this? Another time, i had asked someone if they could hang my new TV on the all in the living room for me?  This was about a year or so ago.  Needless to say, my TV is still sitting on the factory stand that comes with it. But my best friend redeemed himself and hooked up the water to my fridge and I am now the proud owner of a fridge that has ice and water coming out of it lol

You always have to find someone to help you in a bind...

You can't be single and have an emergency just pop up.  It's hard to find someone to help out in short notice, like when you need a ride to the rental car place because your best friend jacked your car up.  Or even just trying to find a car to use for a couple days, because your best friend jacked your car up. Just messed it all up.  SMMFH

Being single isn't all that bad, but let's keep it real for a minute.  Being single sucks royally.  Even if you're not married, but have a significant other, your life isn't as bad as being a truly single woman.  At least you have someone there to help you with things. To give their input on decisions that have to be made and just be able to take to the lead on certain things that come up in life.  It's mentally exhausting to be a single person and a single parent.  Every decision depends on you and to be honest, sometimes I don't feel like making a decision about stuff.  Sometimes i just want to sit back and let someone else make the decision.  That would be a lot of stress off me.  But in the meantime, all I can do is continue to date my cousins and sisters, hope that someone will come fix the pipe in the shower in the main bathroom in my house, and ride around in a car with no heat O_o   

Sunday, January 8, 2017

How come we can't ask questions?...

Being single in your 40's is difficult.  But dating in your 40's is way worse.  I wouldn't wish this on my worse enemy. We've already talked about the different types on men out there.  Here's a few questions that should be asked on the first or second date, but women might be afraid to ask a man.
1. Are you single? This question is a no-brainer, I know.  But you'd be surprised at how many women assume that when a man shows interest in her or even asks her out, that he's single.  Because why on Earth would a man who's in a relationship ask another woman out on a date? Insert the eye rolling emoji here.  Right.  Ok so, back to the question.  Asking if a man is single is your right and if any man gets upset with you asking him this question, must have something they're hiding.  These 3 words can change your life in either a positive way or a negative way.  Worst case scenario is if you don't ask a man this question, you'll find out later that he's either in a relationship, or worse...married. 

2. What are your views on marriage? This question right here will send a man running for the hills.  When single men hear the word marriage before they actually bring it up in a conversation, they take off like a flight at Pittsburgh International Airport.  But this is an important conversation topic to have.  How many women have dated a man for a significant period of time and then find out, after you get all caught up in feelings, that marriage isn't something he's looking for?  I was watching an episode of Being Mary Jane and she was dating a man who, as she found out later, that wasn't interested in marriage or children. Although they never had the conversation until AFTER she was emotionally invested in this man, his intentions were never to marry her, but to conform her beliefs on marriage and children.  Insert eye rolling emoji here again. At the end of the day, all a single woman wants to know is if she's wasting her time by dating a man who has no intentions on marrying her.  And here's some advice ladies...if a man tells you that he doesn't want to get married, believe him.  Stop thinking that you're going to change his mind, because you won't. 

3. Why are you single? Now asking a man this question is a bit hypocritical, but it's another question that needs to be asked.  It's hypocritical because, I don't know about you all, but I'm tired of people asking me why I'm single (not dating seriously) or why I never got married. And here I am, wanting to know why a man in his 40's isn't married.  Now I can't speak for everyone, but from my personal experience, a man in his 40's is single for a reason. And that reason is far different from the reasons why a woman in her 40's is single. But I'll leave this [statement] here for another time. 

I'm sure there are a lot more questions that should be asked, but after talking with some friends, we determined that these few questions are the most important to ask while dating in your 40's.  Some questions that we came up with were How old is your youngest child? How's the relationship with your ex wife or the mother of your children? How long was your last relationship? etc., etc.  All of these questions have a reason to be asked, but again, I'll save this for another time ;-)



Sunday, October 9, 2016

What I want to say to my younger self


I have a birthday coming up... so I'm reflecting right now.

I'm not dwelling on the past...but reflecting on relationship mistakes that I've made and I'm learning from them.

If I had to say anything about relationships to my younger self, I'd say go for the nice guy! Bad boys will get you no where in life. Pretty faces fade, but character will always remain.  Occasionally, I talk to ex boyfriends just to catch up.  Some of them seem to have made changes for the better, but it's QUITE interesting at how so many of them have never changed.  It's like I'm talking to the same person I dated 20+ years ago.  Interesting...this isn't good.

I'd tell myself to leave the jocks and professional athletes, etc. alone.  From my experience, there's hardly any future with a man who constantly relives his past athletic accomplishments and refuses to move on with life and to live in the present. It's like they live in a perpetual state of the "Way back machine". Always wanted to talk about when they starred in a basketball game 30 years ago.  It's time to let that go and move on.  You're not that person any more lol

I'd tell myself that when you go to college, major in what you want to major in. And go to the college that YOU want to go to. One of my biggest regrets is that I never majored in what I wanted to major in.  I can remember as far back as 2nd grade saying that I wanted to be an art teacher.  I should have stuck to my guns and did what i loved.  Instead I let other people's opinions influence my decision for my future.  Chalk it up to being eager to please other people before making myself happy.  Do whatever for YOURSELF and don't worry about what others will think.  Don't make decisions based on what you think your family or friends will think, say, or react.

I'd tell myself to not walk away from relationships so easily.  I admit, that was my thing to do.  If I didn't like how something was going, i chucked those deuces up real quick and thought nothing of it.  Instead of staying around and working on the relationship, I bounced.  I realized a few years ago that I'm a runner.  So I promised myself that in my next relationship, I would try my best to stick around.  Seriously. I'm for real with this. lol

But the most important thing that I wish I could say to my young self is get the hell out of Mercer County, PA.  This is not a place for a certain group of people to be prosperous, professional, or most importantly, treated fairly.  I had a few opportunities to leave the area and further my career, but I turned them down because I had a small child at the time.  If I had to do it again, I'd pack my kid up and hit the road.  But for now, I'm counting down to leave...967 days to be exact.

I'm sure we have all done something in the past that we wish we would have done differently. At the end of the day, there are some things in my  life that if given a second chance, I would change them.  But for the most part, I wouldn't change a thing.  I love being who I am and I love my life and my family. I'm healthy, wealthy, and wise...well two out of the three isn't bad.  I'm working on being wealthy ;-) 

Please be sure to sign up for automatic delivery of my blog.  Right up there at the top of the right side of the page.  Be sure to respond to the verification email in your inbox! 

Friday, August 26, 2016

Single/Never Married

I swear if I hear that question asked of me one more time, I'm going to scream! If I knew why I'm single, then I'd be able to figure out to not be single.

As I sit here and think, i mean REALLY think, about this question, I realize that there are a lot of successful Black women in this area who are single.  And not just single... but single and never married.  I hate checking that box on stuff.  You know the question...are you married, divorced, single/never married? If you had asked me 20 years ago if I had ever thought that I would be single/never married at 43, I would have laughed.  I thought that I would at least be divorced by now. But I digress. Ok so there are quite a few Black women around here who are in positions of authority, are college educated, and single.  And no one knows why...

A few days ago I was talking to a lady who I've known for decades and she asked me when I was going to settle down.  I told her that i already settled down, but I just didn't have anyone else to settle down with lol.  I told her if she could find someone for me to date, I'd really consider going out with him.  Of course, she couldn't name anyone lol.   Years ago my mother and I had the same conversation.  I told her the same thing and she couldn't think of anyone for me to date either.

So being single at my age leads to a plethora of questions asked of me.  I've been asked if my standards are too high, but most often I get ACCUSED of my standards being too high.    Well, judging from the eclectic group of losers that I've dated, clearly I don't have high standards.  In fact, my standards might be too low.  But that's another conversation entirely.

I have a lot of free time on the weekends, I got to thinking about what could we do that was fun and would also put single women out there.  I came up with a challenge and I'm calling it the "5 Date Challenge". So here's the challenge for the single/never married ladies around here.  You have 2 months to go on 5 dates with 5 different men.  You have to go on 5 dates with 5 different guys before you can a repeat a date with any one of the 5 guys.  You don't have to take the entire 2 months, but you only get 2 months to complete the challenge.  There's no rules other than the men can not be married! And that includes being separated because at the end of the day that man is still married to someone.  He may not be living with her, but he's still a married man. The men can be older, younger, a different race, or whatever.  The end of the challenge will just that; the end lol  There's no real reason for this other than to open your mind to dating different types of men.  Since I live in a small area, either I'm going to end up dating the same type of men, or they're going to be very different.  I think the hardest thing for me to complete this challenge is to actually find 5 different men to go out with.  I may have to venture out of the area for most of my dates and I'm perfectly ok with that.

But the real reason for this challenge is to make you (we) have some fun.  Hopefully, it will make you try something different, like asking a man out or going out with someone who you never thought you would go out with.  Hell you might even become a cougar in the process and that's all good!

So if you decide to accept the challenge, let me know and please share your stories with me! I'd love to hear how things go with the challenge. Feel free to share the challenge with your friends, family, coworkers, or whoever.

Until next time,
Kavon

Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Fool's Gold...kick rocks!

Hello!! It's been a while, but I'm back!

So I'm sitting here listening to my new iTunes downloads and of course Jill Scott's "Fool's Gold" is at the top of my new playlist! I've been a HUGE fan of Jilly from Philly's since forever. I have all of her cd's. Every last one.

So her new single "Fool's Gold" is definitely a play on a previous blog that i wrote. How many of us have chased that proverbial Fool's Gold? When everything he said, was just so perfect? Believing in someone more than you believed in yourself and the relationship? How many of you believed what a man or woman has said to you? ...it happens way too often!

I was inspired to write this post about 2 months ago, but I put it on the back burner. Mainly because I felt like I had written about this topic before, but then I realized that this topic NEVER goes to bed. It's a topic that lives in NYC...the city the never sleeps. It never sleeps. And as long as there are men and women on this planet, this topic will remain relevant.

I'll keep it short and sweet...liars, perpetrators of the fraud, and game players can kick rocks! I can't understand why, at our age, men or women feel the need to continuously lie and play games when it comes to relationships?? My most recent experience happened a few months ago when a sudden tragedy brought a former "friend" back in town. I hadn't had any contact with this man for a few months, but when my phone rang and I saw that it was him, I immediately 1. knew he was in town, and 2. let the call go straight to voicemail. I knew he was in town because that's the only time I ever hear from him. When's he's here, it's all about me, and when he leaves, it's like i never existed. ...(side eye) I have to wonder why he even attempted to contact me because we had this conversation before, so he knows how I felt about it. But still...he calls. I listened to his vm message and then deleted it. I ended up seeing him a couple of days later and he asked if he could talk to me...i said no and walked away. No hard feelings. I'm just that type of person. If I told you how I feel about something and you keep doing it, it's not my fault, it's yours. And if i continue to let you do something, then well...it's my fault. I won't be at fault on this one.

All this lead me to thinking about why grown men and women play games? Game playing can get a person in a world of trouble if they play games with the wrong person. Lucky for men, I'm not the wrong person. I'll just laugh and walk away (lol)! Normally, I would write about how to combat the game players and give you examples of how deal with them. But in this instance, i can't. Game players will be around forever and it's up to us REGULAR people to learn to identify them and learn how to avoid them in life. Unfortunately, men and women will probably date 8 game players for every 10 people they date. ...those odds suck, by the way... but it's up to us to just call them out and either keep it moving, or give them another chance. But until then....kick rocks!

Friday, May 15, 2015

Who's a Gold Digger?

I'm sitting here with my friend Kendall having a discussion about MEN...she really bothers me like that at work...why?? lol  But I don't know how we got on the subject but we started talking about gold diggers. Or should I say, the perception of Gold Diggers.

When I hear the word Gold Digger i immediately think of EPMD.  Now I know you youngins will think of Jamie Foxx and Kanye West's Gold Digger song, but listen to the FIRST Gold Digger song. It's a classic.  Anyways, when we hear that word Gold Digger most people automatically think of a woman who's out to get whatever she can from any man that comes in her path. ...i know a few chicks like that lol  Gold Diggers, according to public perception, find a guy to prey on, hook him, then milk him for everything he has.  She somehow has cast some sort of magical spell on him that makes him cray cray for the poonanay.  So much that he'd give her his last of everything...and she still doesn't have enough. 

I don't know about you all, but I'm tired of the public perception, or misperception i should say, of only women being Gold Diggers.  Men are Gold Diggers too. I literally bust out laughing when someone, especially men, call females gold diggers because men are Gold Diggers too!

Let's take guy #1, for the sake of discussion.  He wants his woman to look like X, Y, and Z.  And have a certain length hair.  He also wants her to have a body like a superstar or a video vixen, not to have any emotions (the ability to complain or voice a concern), and be the lady of the house as defined by the standards from the 40's-60's...a stay at home Mom who takes care of the kids and family on a full time basis. This woman doesn't exist, but let's say she does.  Why wouldn't we consider this guy to be a Gold Digger? Is it because his expectations don't require something that could be considered to be monetary? In this case, does money trump physical attributes? If a woman wants a man who could provide for her, and give a comfortable life, is that considered Gold Digging?  Since when did requirements and expectations of a significant other constitute that person falling into Gold Digging status?  How often have you come across a man or a woman who has certain [ridiculous] expectations for the mate and you thought to yourself, this person is nuts?  I meet A LOT of men who are so set in their ways, that they can't see the forest for the trees. Once, I had man tell me that he wanted this, that, or another in a mate. She had to be a certain way in public, be a certain way at home, be educated, etc.  Ok, now this guy was a college drop out, was working various seasonal jobs, barely making a living for himself, and most importantly...his sex game was WHACK.  And I mean WHACK as hell WHACK.  I just listened quietly, and laughed a lot in my mind. And thought to myself...Dude, you sound like a damn fool.  I never responded to his messages or phone calls. ..LMAO

Conversely, I've talked with a lot of females who want a  specific man as well.  Now, I'm not saying to lower your standards to the bottom of the barrel, but if you can' offer that man anything, except ass then well you get what you pay for.  You'll end up being left, or only being just that...a piece of ass.  A trophy.  But hey, if you're ok with that, ain't nobody knockin' your hustle lol.  Your requirements for men are just as important as their requirements for you. So, if you have certain requirements and not willing to budge on them, you might wanna prepare yourself for the single life lol  Just kidding..


But at the end of the day, the media will project an image of females being Gold Diggers, but the reality is that EVERYBODY is a Gold Digger is some form or fashion.  Everyone.  Everyone is looking for something out of a relationship.  It might be money, sex, cars, clothes...but they are looking for SOMETHING! I can tell you that I'm Gold Digging for specific things...i won't let the cat completely out of the bag though ;-)  But they fall along the lines of Honesty, Trust, Compassion, Provider, etc.  But at the end of the day, I want something from my mate just like he wants something from me. 



Monday, May 11, 2015

Watering Yourself Down


How many times have you done this? I've done it A LOT!! I'm talking about how some women water themselves down in order to either attract or keep a man.

Over the course of my YEARS OF DATING I've realized that I've watered myself down quite a few times...for the sake of not impressing a man.Yup! I said it...NOT impressing a man.

In today's society, there  are A LOT more women who are just as financially independent as there are men.  Fifty years ago, more women were full time housewives than there were career women which in turn meant that women were more financially independent on their husbands or significant others.  Bottom line is, men controlled the coins in the household.  In a huge contrast, the amount of financially independent women today have lead to a greater amount of women who own their own homes, investments, and other forms of revenue.  Now someone said to me that because of this trend, more women, particularly college educated Black women, have remained single.  And I asked why?   Their answer was that (in so many words) that men are intimidated by successful women.  I found that hard to believe, but as I thought about my friends from college...i realized that the majority of us are not married.  Interesting...
As I continued to think about this "trend" i wonder what the heck is wrong with men?? I see a lot of men saying that they want this or that, but when that person is sitting right in front of them, they run faster than Usain Bolt in the 100m finals of the Summer Olympics.  To this day I can't figure out what men want from successful, educated, single women.  About 5 years ago I was dating a man who told me that women like me didn't need men. Huh what?? I told him that he sounded like a damn fool (lol).  And I asked him to tell me what (straight) woman he knew that didn't need a man in her life? And why would he even think that successful women didn't need men? I had to break it to him that we all want a companion in our lives.  Someone to at least share things with.  He was stuck on the financial portion of the relationship.  I should mention that he's a money hungry jerk...but I won't.  He's still chasing dollars...
So back to the watering down of ourselves.  How many of you have watered yourselves down in order to keep the attention of a man?  I have.  And still do.  Sad, but true.  I don't tell men that I own my own home, or that I have 2 degrees and hopefully will be working on a 3rd.  I don't tell that I single handedly take care of my child alone financially (with the exception of my parents and close family members).  I guess that, without even realizing it, I don't want to them think that I'm too independent.  I'm cringing as I'm writing this! It's sad, but it's a reality for successful, single women.
So as I move forward in this treacherous dating life of mine, what do I do?  Serious question here! Do I continue to water myself down? Or do I 'fess up and tell everything from the rip?
Respond with your answers please? ;-)

Until next time...
Kavon

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

I'm coming back soon!

I've been away for a while studying for my test, but I'm back and have a few subjects in the hopper to write about!

I can't wait to connect with all of my readers again :-)

See you guys soon!!!

~Kavon

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

When to let go




Lets talk about hanging on too long.

I was talking to one of my friends and she mentioned to me that a woman she knows was with a man for several decades and she found out that he was getting married to someone else in a few days. Wow! So that made think about how much is too much? When should a person let go?

I remember several years ago, an older woman told me that if a man hasn't married you, or asked you to marry him in 2 years, he's not ever going to marry you.  Now as a young[er] woman, I didn't really take heed to what she told me.  At that point in my life, being in a relationship for 2 years wasn't a long time.  To be honest, I've probably been in about 2 or 3 relationships that lasted longer than 2 years.  Most of the time, i get tired of people long before 24 months is up.  A lot of the time, the guy i was dating either cheated, constantly lied, or worse... had a baby and I wasn't the mother.  So that meant that I was out like scout on a new route in that relationship.

Sometimes i feel like my "impatience" hasn't been the best thing in my life and relationships.  As I think about it, i could have probably forgiven that man.  I could have tried to give him another another chance.  <-- That's not a typo.  "Another another" chance means that he was already given another chance and he effed up his second chance.  I look back over things and I realize that we were both young[er] and not really making good decisions.  We probably weren't thinking about the future.  We were stuck in the meantime.  If people thought about their future and made decisions based on that, they'd probably make MUCH better decisions regarding their relationships.

So I asked the question, How long should you stay with someone before they ask you to marry them? Someone told me that a piece of paper doesn't matter much.  Another person says 3-5 years.  One woman says that she lived with her ex for years like a married couple, only to come to the conclusion that it was a bad relationship that she was trying to make good.  Another woman gave her BF an ultimatum.  I remember 2 good friends of mine gave their BF's ultimatums back when we were in our early 20's.  Both of them are still married to this day.  They're going on 20 years of marriage.  Both of them. Do ultimatums work? Heck yeah! Either you ultimately live happily ever after or you ultimately end up single lol.

I've never been in a situation where I had to make a serious decision to let go.  Probably because the relationship wasn't THAT serious.  It was easier to walk away from those situations because there wasn't much vested in things.  But how hard is it to walk away from someone who you've been with for YEARS? At some point, you have to learn to live for yourself.  Happiness will come.  Happiness is just a decision away and is waiting for you to grab hold of it and claim it.  The choice is yours.  

The Phaedra Way...when the going gets tough

Kenny Rogers sang a song that says You gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em. How would you have handled the situation with Phaedra and Apollo?

Every Sunday night I watch the Real Housewives of Atlanta like clock work.  I have to admit that I've seen every episode of that show since the day it hit the airwaves.  And while I don't completely agree with the shenanigans that often occur among the cast members, I find the show to be entertaining for the most part.
So the onset of this season started out with the situation between Phaedra and Apollo and his legal proceedings.  I couldn't help but notice how it seemed that Phaedra had completely washed her hands with her husband.  And that got me to thinking...

If you husband or significant other was going through something similar, would you stick it out with them, or leave them? Would you support them through a period of incarceration? One thing that I never quite understood was people taking children to a jail or prison to see a parent.  Now don't get me wrong here.  I'm not saying that it's wrong.  It's just something that I don't any value in or even how it benefits the children.  In my opinion, the incarcerated parent is selfish by committing a crime that would put them in prison. So why should they get to see their child while they're locked up? They had all the time in the world to see the kids BEFORE they got locked up.  So why would you subject a child to seeing their parents in prison garb, with bars clinking all around them? To me, that's just not a positive example to set for kids. But to each his own...

But back to the subject at hand.  Is Phaedra's disposition on the situation wrong? There's always two ways to look at a situation.  And while both have their own reasons for what and how things went wrong, They both can be held accountable for the mess that happened in their marriage. For example, Apollo's record is not clean and was not clean when he and Phaedra began dating.  Clearly he was fresh out the pen and she was fully aware of his situation.  Apollo even mentioned on one episode that Phaedra made booty calls to the projects to visit him while he was sleeping on a blow up mattress.  She wasn't a stranger to his living and financial situation prior to their marriage. So why is she acting like all of this was a big surprise that came out of nowhere? From my experiences and my friends' experiences in relationships, a woman knows what their man's issues are even if they don't want to admit it to themselves or any else.  I can't speak for men, but us women tend to think that marriage or and extra dose of support or some loving is going to change a man and his ways.  A friend of mine got married quite a few years ago.  She and her husband were separated in less than 6 months.  So when we talked about it, she was going on and on about how he didn't want to work, he's lazy, etc.  My response was, You knew that when you married him.  Don't act like this is new to you.  He didn't work and he was lazy while you were dating and you thought marriage was going to make him want to get a job?  My real question is, why the hell would anyone marry someone who doesn't have a means to support themselves?  If he or she can't support themselves, then they sure as heck won't be able to support you.  Phaedra knew what she was getting herself into when she married him.

Let's not forget that Ms. Parks is an attorney. Law is a well respected profession not to be taken lightly.  Since I've been studying for the LSAT exam, I have a true respect for attorneys now.  And from judging these test requirements,  it's safe to say that you have to pretty smart to get into Law School. It would also be safe to say that a person of her intellectual caliber would be a bit more privy to knowing where the household finances are going to, and most importantly in their situation, coming from.  If I were her, I'd ask where the money was coming from? Especially if he didn't have a job. Apollo had mentioned that the mortgage was $3500 and his wife told him that he had to pay it. So if this man didn't have a job, where was this money coming from? You can't tell me that she didn't know something about something.

The question that I want to ask is how much are you willing to overlook in a relationship?  Would you be willing to overlook criminal activity? On any given day, I can flip through Instagram or other social media outlets and see how girls are referring to themselves as "The Main".  WTF? Seriously, if you're not "The Only", then you need to bounce.  Point. Blank. Period.  I know that relationships are give and take. Sometimes you give more than you take and sometimes it's reversed.  But I can't and won't ever be in a situation where I would have to refer to myself as "The Main". That won't ever be overlooked.

I believe, although I can't speak for certain, that in some situations, there should be some understandg and support.  And although a crime is a crime, just as a sin is a sin, keep in mind that Apollo didn't commit something serious like murder.  I think that Phaedra could have at least stuck it out with him at least until he went away.  But there's an old saying, when the going gets tough, the tough gets going. And Phaedra got gone!


Wednesday, October 8, 2014

The empty cell phone

Let's talk about snooping.

A friend of mine dated a guy about 5 years ago who seemed like he had it together.  He was caring, concerned, and most of all, mature. They had so much in common and were on the same page.  They even talked marriage and future plans.  It seemed like she had finally met the man that would settle her down.  Everything was right on track.  Until she looked in that cell phone.  As most people do, she looked in the phone when she had an opportunity to do so.  You know those opportunities.  When he's in the shower, outside, or someplace where it's easy to look before he comes back in the room.  Before she did it, I told her what my grandmother always said about snooping. .. "If you go looking for something, be prepared for what you're going to find out."  She did it anyways lol.  Interesting enough, there wasn't anything in his phone.  And I mean NOTHING.  Nothing from his mama, his sister, or even HER.  I never told her, but that seemed really odd to me.  Why wouldn't you keep messages from your girl?  Was there something more to it? For me personally, If i'm dating someone, I keep their messages. I liked rereading something that might have made me smile...so I can smile again.  I like rereading comments that might have made me laugh.  And I like rereading those "good morning" text that I get. But a completely empty cell phone had me baffled.  There weren't any incoming or outgoing call logs either.  Weird!...but none of my business, so I never gave her my opinion because she never asked for it.

Fast forward about 4 years.  They are no longer together.  That situation only last for a little over a year.  In the end, she found out that there was someone else in his life.  Then she asked me what I thought about the empty cell phone situation. I told her that I thought it was odd that he didn't keep any messages [from her] or have any phone logs in his phone.  She agreed.  Let's just say that hindsight is a emm-effer, ok? 

I asked people if they ever looked through their significant other's cell phone.  Most of them had never done it and said that if they didn't trust their significant others, then they didn't need to be with them.  I completely agree! Just a couple of weeks ago, I told a friend of mine that when I met him, I REALLY wanted to take him seriously. We had some common interests and such and seemed to be on the same page about future goals. But as time progressed, I knew that I wasn't the only person that he was interested in.  And if anyone knows me, they know that Bessie don't play second to NO ONE. And I told him this.  It wasn't that big of a deal but sometimes if you don't  put it out there, people won't know how you feel or stand about something that you feel strongly about.  At this point in my life, I'm not interested in playing a game of "Duck Duck Goose" with other women with this man. We'll remain platonic friends for now.

So as I'm writing this, I'm asking myself would I have issues with another guy looking in my phone? At this point, because I'm not seeing anyone seriously and not in a committed anything, no I wouldn't have issues with it. When I meet a guy, and they ask me what my status is, I tell them I'm dating.  I'm not married, I'm not in a relationship, and I don't have anyone that I would consider to be my "Bae".  I'm dating. Simple as that.  I have nothing to hide.  If i were in a serious relationship, I still wouldn't have a problem with letting my significant other because again, I have nothing to hide.  

People always say that when you go looking for something, you should be prepared for what you're going to find.  When you go snooping, you should be ready for the outcomes of that snoop.With that being said, if you don't trust your partner, then chances are you shouldn't be with them. 

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Make a Wish



I'm a member of a lot of Facebook groups. So many, that I can barely keep up with them really.  Earlier this week, one of the moderators of a group that I'm a member of posted this picture (see above) and asked for comments.  I responded one day.  Then about 2 days later, I responded again. My first response was to wish for a good score on the LSAT test.  I was in the library studying when I posted that response lol.  A couple days ago, I responded that I wished for a husband.  My response was: "Today...I wish for a husband. Not anyone else's husband. One for me and me only. A good hearted man with a sense of humor means to support us (family), and he HAS to be taller than me! (lol)" I was just writing what was on my mind at that very moment.  I had no idea that my words would be so appreciated by the other members of the group.  The responses after my response were such uplifting and supporting.  Some were thanking me for being able to be so open and honest.  In all actuality, I was sitting there with my checkbook trying to figure out who's getting paid and who's not.  That's a ritual that I engage in every other Thursday (the day before payday).  Yay me…
When I was a child, I used to make wishes all kinds of stuff.  Falling stars (if you ever saw one), kissing my food up to God if it fell on the floor lol are just a couple.   But that day, I had to be brutally honest with myself.  Over the years, I always said that I didn’t really want to be married.  It was never something that meant a lot to me.  I was perfectly happy dating and having my fun.  But as I got older and closer to God, I realized that a husband is what I need in my life.  The Bible validates the ideology of marriage and family.  It’s about time that I start to take head to those teachings. 
When I mentioned this, I was surprised to find out that there were A LOT of ladies in our FB group that felt the same way. I was just writing what was on my mind at that very moment.  I had no idea that my words would be so appreciated by the other members of the group.  The responses after my response were such uplifting and supporting.  Some were thanking me for being able to be so open and honest.  In all actuality, I was sitting there with my checkbook trying to figure out who's getting paid and who's not.  As a single mother, it’s difficult to cover everything. Yes the bills are getting paid, but what happens when an unexpected expense pops up? Where’s that $600 to fix the brakes on the car going to come from?  There’s no one there to cover the other expenses if an emergency comes up. I could go on, but I think my point is made here.
I remember reading about Rosa Parks and how she became one of the catalysts for the Civil Rights Movement back in the 1960’s.  Among all the acclimates and such, when asked why she did what she did, Mrs. Parks simply replied that she was tired.  She was tired.  She sat down because she was tired.  Who knew that simple thing would spark a national movement and make such a significant mark on history?
People say that big things come from little thoughts. All I was doing was sitting here the other day, looking at my checkbook, trying to figure out who's getting paid this week and who's not. That’s it.  Nothing else.  I was thinking about those 2 disciples Peter and Paul.  How one was going to be robbed in order to pay the other lol.  I wasn’t thinking how my response would motivate and uplift strangers, but’s exactly what happened.  I went back to FB the next day and noticed that I had a lot of mentions and most of them were from the members of the group.  I was a real eye opening experience to say the least.
Now don’t get me wrong here.  I’m not looking for someone to be a financial support.  Me and my checkbook was just the catalyst for my feelings. But if you can’t fund this operation, you need not apply. I can do bad all by myself.  In reality, it would be nice to have someone to do things with or just to be able to consult on things with someone.  Most people don’t know how mentally exhausting it is to have to make EVERY household decision for yourself.  I would love to say to some of these AAU coaches (for example) “Let’s see what my husband, or his father, has to say”.  It would be so nice to be on a road trip and not have to drive all the way there AND back! It would be nice to have someone to be a wife to.
When I wrote what I wrote, I didn't think I’d open up doors for other people to confess their truths. I was only thinking that I’m tired of being alone. I’m tired of being bored on weekends. I’m just tired! But I’m glad that I said what I said because I now know that others feel like I do. I need help. My child needs a father. I need a mate/companion (husband). Although there was a plethora of things that started to run through my mind at that time, the most important thing was that I’m finally to the point where I can be honest with myself about this.

Oh...I should mention that I would like my husband to be Jalen Rose.  Just had to throw that out there lol

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

My response to the Mercer County Free Press Article


You are absolutely correct.  You are NOT a professor.  Nor are you a good "reporter".  Your article didn't amuse anyone or make any point, other than you are exactly how you described yourself... a non-Nobel prize winner "writer".  

I can't help but be offended at the lop-sided misconception and presentation of your article that was presented in the Mercer County Free Press recently.  Because of the many inaccuracies in your poorly researched article, I feel compelled to enlighten you on a few key points.

We are not all in poverty.
It's impossible to imply to that everyone who resides in the City of Farrell lives in poverty.  According to the 2010 Census (www.census.gov <--use that link to research your next article) 85% of Farrell residents have a high school diploma or higher.  Keep in mind, this number is only counting people ages 25 and up.  The average college graduate is 22 years old, therefore their numbers aren't being counted.  There is still an older population in the city that are immigrants and came up during the heyday of the steel mills.  During this heyday, it was perfectly acceptable to drop out of school, go down the hill, and work in the steel mills.  These residents are probably included in the 15%.  Eighty-five percent, compared to 82.1% of Reynolds residents. (http://www.city-data.com). The average persons per household is 2.4 people and median income for residents in the City of Farrell is roughly $30,000/year.  The mean income is around $39,000/year.  The per capita income rate is $17,000/year or so.  So if there's approximately 2 people living in one household, and let's say that that household income is $17,000/year, that still doesn't meet the 2014 Federal Poverty Guideline of $15,730 for a two person household.  Now this is a blanket statement sort of.  I realize that there are some who do live in poverty in this city, but there's a lot more of us who don't and never did. 

Our children are not "at-risk"
Exactly what are our children "at-risk" of? Is it drug dealing? Drug use? Guns and weaponry? Could it be that our children are at-risk of being exposed to racism and negative connotations/stories written about them for no particular reason? The term at-risk is defined as "Being endangered, as from exposure to disease or from a lack of parental or familial guidance and proper health care: efforts to make the vaccine available to at-risk groups of children." 
The last I checked, a lot of children in Farrell aren't suffering from any diseases, receiving a lack of parenting or familial guidance. Now, don't get me wrong.  I'm not saying that there aren't children who've made a mistake or gotten into some trouble. What I'm saying is that EVERY child in this city should not be categorized as at-risk.  Again I say, the only thing that most of our kids are at risk of is people like you who spread stories like yours about their community.  Farrell is a very loving and caring community and I'm proud to say that I'm a resident here.

You felt funny being a white person in Farrell? Imagine how Black people feel being ANYWHERE in Mercer County
Being followed in stores, looked at fearfully, and turned away from jobs are just a tip of the iceberg for minorities in Mercer County.  What a joke! I can tell you this, Black people are probably more accepting of a white person coming, visiting, living in an area that has a high minority population, than white people are accepting of a Black person living in a high non-minority area.  I'm willing to bet that it's much easier for a white person to come live in Farrell than it is for a Black person to go live in Reynolds.  
I remember 14 years ago when my parents bought their new home.  A neighbor came out of his house and said right to my mom and step dad's face "When you guys moved in here, I said There goes the neighborhood". Really?  Prejudgement can only lead to the revelation of a person's lack of knowledge and acceptance of minorities.  For the record, my mom owns a childcare center and has done so for the past 20+ years.  My dad retired from the State of PA 4 years ago and now owns his own business as well.  

Everyone standing on a street corner isn't selling drugs
They're just loitering, sir. Albeit, loitering is against the law, but one is a felony and the other a misdemeanor. #LawSchool2015

People sitting on their porches or stoops aren't afraid of anything  
This city is deeply rooted in southern tradition and culture.  The Sharon Herald ran a story a few years ago about the city's ties to Cheraw, SC.  Many years ago, my grandparents came to Mercer County by way of Cheraw, SC. because my grandfather had gotten work in the steel mill.  They raised 8 children, all high school grads, some college grads, and all went on to continue the middle class lifestyle that my grandparents set up for them.  And as far as people sitting on the porches/stoops because they are afraid of something, well that's just not accurate either.  I know in your article that you likened this trait to Pittsburgh's Hill District, Harlem, NY, and Philadelphia, PA (all MAJOR cities, mind you), but the comparison is like apples and oranges.  You should know that sitting on the front porch is a southern tradition. Can you see the connection?..a city deeply rooted in southern immigration displaying southern traits and traditions.  Oh! the irony!

I was always taught not to stoop to anyone's level when they hurl insults, etc. in my direction.  I've lived in this city my entire life and I've witnessed all kinds of racial comments made towards the residents and students.  In high school, being a part of a top state level volleyball program, we had the opportunity to play in many different areas and school districts.  In the course of my 4 years of playing volleyball for FASD, i can remember being called Black bitches, [housing] project dwellers, poor n*ggers, etc. We were children and these insults were from so-called adults.  All because we put the smack down on their kids' teams.  Don't hate the player, hate the game.  I neglected to mention during my original publishing that Of the 7 seniors on my high school volleyball team, 4 of us graduated with HIGH honors. And ALL of us went on to college.

The media would want everyone to believe that the City of Farrell is some kind of cesspool of crime, delinquency, and uneducated people who sit around all day and do nothing.  It would want you to believe that it is a city of dilapidated buildings that are boarded up or falling in.  The last time I checked, there are buildings like this is every community in Mercer County.  There are very nice areas in Farrell that get overlooked because people are so busy trying to find the negatives in the city.  Had you driven a few blocks south, you would have seen the beautiful new 3-story apartment building that was built last year.  And you would have seen the 10 new single-family homes that were also built last year. I should mention here, that more homes are being planned to be built soon.  But instead you chose to showcase some the oldest buildings in the city.  Some of these building are nearing 80-90 years old.  So of course they would be falling in.  When's the last time you saw anything that was 80 or 90 years old that didn't need structural support? Even humans this age, need some kind of help to hold them up, else they'd succumb also. 

Furthermore, your comparisons are, upon first reading them, very offensive, but upon reading them again, I find them quite amusing.  Amusing to the point where I, and most people in Farrell, and also a few people who don't live in Farrell, can laugh at YOU and your poor portrayal of comparison and contrast.  As a high school Freshman who took a Sophomore English class, I had the pleasure of learning of such (comparison and contrast and properly writing them) in greater detail while in Mr. R's classroom.  

And finally, the mere fact that you have an Editor's position in a publication, shows that White-privilege more than likely played a significant part in your appointment into this position.  Here's another link for you to research "white privilege" (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/White_privilege)  ...always check your facts before you publish them.

And while I do not consider myself a writer, nor an expert, I'm willing to believe that my upbringing, sense of community pride, and my BA and MA have played a significant part in my ability to respond to your "article" so eloquently. I hope to get my point across to you by addressing your stereotypical perceptions of people and situations that you know nothing about first hand.  I'm just a Black woman who has 2 college degrees and is preparing to enter Law School next fall... who just so happens to live in Farrell, PA. 

Now I understand that my response may seem lopsided or even one-sided.  This is because I DELIBERATELY wrote it to be so.  I read your article quite a few times and I see how you [attempted] to address racism in your words.  I think that your approach needs work, but I can [almost] see where you were going with this.  My suggestion would be to not make a city look so bad while attempting to make another look better in your effort to address racism in Mercer County, PA.  If you're going to attempt to compare apples and oranges, at least be a fruit farmer.

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

When to forgive

It took me 7 years to forgive this man.  Seven years to finally get to the point where I could say his name and not want to spit on him. It was that serious. We'll in my mind it was.  It wasn't like I was consumed with this situation for 7 years. It's just that I let it live in me for that long. I never sat around and let it overcome my thoughts and emotions. To be honest, I never thought about him until someone mentioned his name to me.
Last week I was listening to a song that he recorded for me. He wrote and sang the song just for me.  I don't know how the song got on my iPhone playlist but there it was.  Just a few days before that I was struggling with the concept of forgiveness and how to apply it to certain situations in my life.  I REALLY listened to the words of that song and there was my A-ha! moment.  I heard his point of view of the relationship. When I heard that song, it made me think if him and how I had to begin the process of forgiveness to begin to move on with certain aspects of my life.   And while I had gotten past hating him, I'd never really gotten past the extreme hurt, humiliation, and degradation that I felt during that relationship.

Forgiveness is a way to shed the hurt, pain, and emotional baggage that's probably weighing you down in life. In your path of forgiveness, you'll feel and emotional rush that's a new beginning.  Like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders.  When I decided to forgive him, I unblocked him on Facebook lol. That's my way of moving on. He's still blocked on twitter, Instagram, and all the other social media sites, by the way lol.  Dude was a little out there, and a sister is NOT THAT crazy, ok??

So in the 7 years that's gone by, I can honestly say that the hurt lingered up until 3 days ago.  And that's only because I let it.  I didn't do it on purpose, it's just something that happened without me really knowing.  And holding on to hurt for 7 years will take a lot out of a person let me tell you.  And just 3 days ago, I felt my whole spirit being lifted when i said to myself, "I'm not mad anymore".  There was a point in my life, where I wished that person nothing but the worse in life.  I didn't wish that anything bad would happen to him, i just didn't care if it did or not.  Slight difference here lol.  And while I will never sit down and break bread with this guy ever again, I'm ok with hoping that he doesn't choke on  that bread...ok..i went too far with that one.
I was reading something the other night on "How to forgive".  I didn't learn any more than I had already known. It talked of all the typical things...Let go, Don't be angry, Let go of hurt, etc.  But one thing specially stood out to me.  It referred to revenge.  It said that best type of revenge is to lead a healthy and happy life.  I think I've done that.
I'm on a good path now.  I admit, it's very hard to not have an ill feeling towards someone who mentally and physically abused you.  But that's God's issue to handle now.  I've learned and moved on.  I've learned that even through a negative point in my life, I can be true to myself and say that I learned  A LOT during that time.  I've learned both good and bad lessons, and I fully intend to apply those lessons to my current and future relationships one day at a time.
Until next time... :-)

Thursday, August 28, 2014

Keeping Secrets

A couple weekends ago, I was channel surfing trying to find something to watch.  I have to admit that summer TV programming is the pits.  I ended up watching an episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians.  Yeah...the programming was THAT bad.  On this particular episode, Khloe was going through marital issues with her husband Lamar Odem.  She was talking about how he was giving interviews and speaking with various news outlets about how "well" their relationships was going and saying that he had hoped they would be able to work out their differences.  Meanwhile, Khloe was telling her sisters that she hadn't heard from her husband in months.  She went on to say that there were so many times where she lied to cover up things that he had said or did that damaged their relationships.  About how she lied to her family and friends about giving away her tickets to see Beyonce on her birthday and telling everyone how wonderful her birthday was with her husband.  She mentioned that there were so many times in her marriage where she lied to her family and friends to cover up her husband's behaviors and actions.

So that got me to thinking about how many times I've lied to people to cover up a partner's let down, aggressiveness, abuse, or whatever.  As I sat there thinking about it, I realized that I've done that A LOT.  I remember as far back as middle or high school and a situation arose where I felt like I had to lie about something someone did or didn't do to me.  In the past, I've hidden the fact that I was stood up for dates (lol), cheated on, lied to, lied on, and so on.  Most of the people who I talked to said that they had lied to cover up abuse in a relationship.  I've done the same.  It wasn't physical abuse, but it was emotional abuse.  And I can tell you this right here...emotional and verbal abuse creates the same amount of hurt and wounds than physical abuse does.  Sometimes I think that it might be worse.  A bruise will heal.  A put down will be with you for the rest of your life.

As I'm writing this, I'm thinking that there are other ways of keeping secrets in relationships.  Dating is hard enough these days.  Imagine dating at 40+ and pickings are slim.  Most guys that I or my friends meet are just as bad as having a 20-something around.  The lies are just as grand, the net worth is just as low, and the assertiveness to succeed is in the toilet.  At least with a 20-something year old, you know what to expect from them.  Nothing.  It becomes a problem when 40+ year old men are in the same financial situation as a man who's 20 years younger than them.  And God forbid they ask you about yourself or your background and you actually tell them.  For instance, if you tell them that you own your own home and car, or have a college education, they immediately categorize you as being "independent".  Of course, we're independent.  Who else to we have to rely on other than ourselves?? We can't rely on 40+ year old single men because they can't even rely on themselves.  I once dated a man, and I use that term VERY loosely, who lived in his father's house, drove around in his deceased grandmother's car, and slept in a hand me down bedroom set.  And had the nerve to try to make me feel bad because I was afforded the opportunity to attend college (he was afforded this opportunity also, but didn't take advantage of the opportunity. Yeah he flunked out).  He had come from a similar background as I did.  Both parents, middle-class family, etc.  The difference between him and me was that I appreciated the opportunities that I was given.  I took constructive criticism and applied it to my life plan.  I didn't blame other people for the mistakes that I made.  And I damn sure didn't try to make anyone feel bad for being successful in life.  But every time something good happened in my life, he did everything in his power to try to make me feel bad about good things.

I say all this to ask this question...  How many of you have deliberately not mentioned something significant in your life to a potential mate for fear of "scaring them off"? Do you consider this outright lying or is it lying by omission? Would you feel offended if/when you found out the "truth" about the other person? I'm sure it happens more than people realize it does.  I admit that I do it often. If somebody considers me to be a liar, then so be it lol.  But the reality in life is this: there are A LOT of men out there who are intimidated by a somewhat successful woman.  There are a lot of men who might feel like they don't have much to offer a woman who already has a house, car, job, education, etc.  Yes, I am aware that there are a lot of men out there who ARE comfortable with women like this, it's just that i haven't met very many of them.

What are your thoughts? I would like to have feedback on this subject because for some odd reason, I'm feeling like this subject is going to come up again ;-)

Please leave comments below... Thank You!

Thursday, August 7, 2014

When to say "I don't"



The other day I had to let someone down "easy". I was talking to an old boyfriend and he asked me if I ever still thought about him? I told him hell no, I don't think about him.  What's there for me to think about? How he just bought a new house with all brand new furniture that's he's probably going to move his girlfriend into? Or how she get the "benefits" of being the woman in his life and not the side chick.  I went to say that I'm a good woman, a good mother, I'm educated, I own my own home and business, and pay my own bills. Yeah...basically I'm an ADULT.  But back to what I was saying.  And because I'm ALL of the above, he has some nerve even coming at me like that.  The nerve of some men! To think that I'm putting myself out there like that to be ANYBODY'S side woman, sex partner, or whatever men are looking for these days.  How dare he insult me like that??  The conversation ended with him saying, Let me call you right back. ...I never heard from him LOL I have to be honest and admit that I did think of him every once in a while, but he'll never know that! But I also had to tell him the real truth of the situation.  


There is another guy I went out with this year who kind of falls into the same category.  He lives in another state and comes in the area from time to time to see his family.  He was in town a few months ago and we went out.  After he returned home, I noticed that, although he did a lot of talking of "us" while he was HERE, he never said much about "us" while he was THERE.  For example, he never invited me to visit.  He never even talked about me visiting.  And then he said those words..."Let's just see how things go".  I'm not stupid.  I know exactly what those words mean when they come from a man.  Needless to say, I never once tried to contact him again, nor did I accept any of his calls, texts, emails.


Now it may seem that I'm quick to kick a dude to the curb.  Actually, I'm not.  But what I am quick to do is see right through bullshit lines that most men spew.  It's a gift lol  Another incident happened at Sheetz last week.  There were a group of men down there in what looked like fireman uniforms.  So i asked them were they firemen? Turns out they work in Marcellus shale industry and were in town on a job.  So he asks me, what i was doing later that evening? Long story short, we ended up talking for a while.  So I asked him if he was involved with anyone.  Ladies it's important to remember to ask a man if there's anyone else in his life.  This way you know from the rip what his intentions are.  So his answer was...and make sure you're sitting down for this...I'm not seeing anyone but I live with my kids' mother. WTF?? I walked away and left him standing there LOL  Like for real...who does he think that's going to go over on? 


I was telling a friend of mine and she said to me, Apparently, these guys don't know who you are! And then I realized that she was 100% correct! So my question for all you men who's intentions were/is/are to take me as a joke is, "DO YOU KNOW WHO THE HELL I AM??" As a matter of fact, there are a lot of men who don't know who the hell a lot of women are.  If they did, they wouldn't act like 40+ year old babies.  And yes, there are a lot of women who are just as guilty as men are in this situation, but I'm not talking about them right now lol.  I could write an entire series on women, and i might get around to it one, but right now we're talking about the guys. I will say this though, there are a lot of really great guys out there and sometimes they fly over our radar.  Shoot us, ok? Things happen sometimes lol.


So when do we learn to say "I don't", instead of "I do"?  This is not in a matrimonial type of question, but a relationship question.  There comes a time in life when a person just has to say I don't.  I don't like a certain situation.  I don't like how this person is making me feel.  I don't like where this relationship is heading.  Yadda yadda yadda.  It's ok to say "I don't" to  situation in your life.  Instead of staying in a situation where you're unhappy or being used or abused, it's ok to chuck up those deuces and handle your business.  I'm a true believer that God didn't put on this planet to be miserable in relationships. He put us on this planet to be loved. And if being loved means that you have to say "I don't" to some things, then by all means, go for it! Just be sure to say "I do" when the time is right ;-)