Thursday, August 28, 2014

Keeping Secrets

A couple weekends ago, I was channel surfing trying to find something to watch.  I have to admit that summer TV programming is the pits.  I ended up watching an episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians.  Yeah...the programming was THAT bad.  On this particular episode, Khloe was going through marital issues with her husband Lamar Odem.  She was talking about how he was giving interviews and speaking with various news outlets about how "well" their relationships was going and saying that he had hoped they would be able to work out their differences.  Meanwhile, Khloe was telling her sisters that she hadn't heard from her husband in months.  She went on to say that there were so many times where she lied to cover up things that he had said or did that damaged their relationships.  About how she lied to her family and friends about giving away her tickets to see Beyonce on her birthday and telling everyone how wonderful her birthday was with her husband.  She mentioned that there were so many times in her marriage where she lied to her family and friends to cover up her husband's behaviors and actions.

So that got me to thinking about how many times I've lied to people to cover up a partner's let down, aggressiveness, abuse, or whatever.  As I sat there thinking about it, I realized that I've done that A LOT.  I remember as far back as middle or high school and a situation arose where I felt like I had to lie about something someone did or didn't do to me.  In the past, I've hidden the fact that I was stood up for dates (lol), cheated on, lied to, lied on, and so on.  Most of the people who I talked to said that they had lied to cover up abuse in a relationship.  I've done the same.  It wasn't physical abuse, but it was emotional abuse.  And I can tell you this right here...emotional and verbal abuse creates the same amount of hurt and wounds than physical abuse does.  Sometimes I think that it might be worse.  A bruise will heal.  A put down will be with you for the rest of your life.

As I'm writing this, I'm thinking that there are other ways of keeping secrets in relationships.  Dating is hard enough these days.  Imagine dating at 40+ and pickings are slim.  Most guys that I or my friends meet are just as bad as having a 20-something around.  The lies are just as grand, the net worth is just as low, and the assertiveness to succeed is in the toilet.  At least with a 20-something year old, you know what to expect from them.  Nothing.  It becomes a problem when 40+ year old men are in the same financial situation as a man who's 20 years younger than them.  And God forbid they ask you about yourself or your background and you actually tell them.  For instance, if you tell them that you own your own home and car, or have a college education, they immediately categorize you as being "independent".  Of course, we're independent.  Who else to we have to rely on other than ourselves?? We can't rely on 40+ year old single men because they can't even rely on themselves.  I once dated a man, and I use that term VERY loosely, who lived in his father's house, drove around in his deceased grandmother's car, and slept in a hand me down bedroom set.  And had the nerve to try to make me feel bad because I was afforded the opportunity to attend college (he was afforded this opportunity also, but didn't take advantage of the opportunity. Yeah he flunked out).  He had come from a similar background as I did.  Both parents, middle-class family, etc.  The difference between him and me was that I appreciated the opportunities that I was given.  I took constructive criticism and applied it to my life plan.  I didn't blame other people for the mistakes that I made.  And I damn sure didn't try to make anyone feel bad for being successful in life.  But every time something good happened in my life, he did everything in his power to try to make me feel bad about good things.

I say all this to ask this question...  How many of you have deliberately not mentioned something significant in your life to a potential mate for fear of "scaring them off"? Do you consider this outright lying or is it lying by omission? Would you feel offended if/when you found out the "truth" about the other person? I'm sure it happens more than people realize it does.  I admit that I do it often. If somebody considers me to be a liar, then so be it lol.  But the reality in life is this: there are A LOT of men out there who are intimidated by a somewhat successful woman.  There are a lot of men who might feel like they don't have much to offer a woman who already has a house, car, job, education, etc.  Yes, I am aware that there are a lot of men out there who ARE comfortable with women like this, it's just that i haven't met very many of them.

What are your thoughts? I would like to have feedback on this subject because for some odd reason, I'm feeling like this subject is going to come up again ;-)

Please leave comments below... Thank You!